What Your Gyn Provider Is Really Thinking...

What I’m really thinking when I’m doing your annual gynecology exam...

Ugh, please stop apologizing for not shaving your legs. I don’t care. It’s winter, I’m not shaving my legs either!

Nope. Also don’t care about pubic hair shaving or not. It’s your vagina, do what you want with it!
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A bump? Sure, I can take a look … uh...where is it? Oh. That? That’s tiny. How did you ever even find that? No. Definitely not cancer.

Please stop washing/douching/scrubbing the inside of your vagina. Leave it alone! It is self cleaning!

Smell? What smell? This is normal musky/sweet/sweaty vagina smell. Your vagina doesn’t smell bad!

Discharge? What discharge? These are normal vaginal secretions. Your vagina is fine!

Yes, I really do want to know if you have sex with men, women, multiple partners, and what kind of sex you have. No, I don’t really care, I just need to know where to swab and what to look for.

Sigh. For the hundredth time, you are under 21. You do not need a pap smear before getting on birth control. I don’t care what your mom says.

Sigh. For the hundredth time: anyone can use an IUD for birth control. They are not only for people who have had a baby. I don’t care what your cousin says.

If he refuses to wear a condom he doesn’t sound that awesome or respectful to me…

You don’t want to be pregnant right now? We should talk about birth control.

You want to be pregnant right now? We should talk about your cycle. And sex.

Gah! I HATE when my gloves snap! :(

Nice! Found your cervix on the first try!

Man, I wish it was socially acceptable to tell people they have a beautiful cervix.

Are you physically comfortable? I hope you’re comfortable. Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable - besides being quick?

Don’t spill the pap... Don’t spill the pap... Don’t spill the pap...

Aww crap. You have herpes. Now I have to spend half an hour managing the emotional fallout of our cultural stigma and misrepresentation of a common, generally non-life-threatening diagnosis, and be empathetic about it. Grumble. I hate the patriarchy.

HOW ARE THESE OPEN HERPES SORES NOT BOTHERING YOU!?!?

He told you he got it from a toilet seat? He must think you’re an idiot. Let’s make sure you’re up to speed with STI Info 101...

Eeeeeee!!! I get to use the microscope! *does mental happy dance*

I can’t believe you just asked me that question, but I am so glad that you did!

I totally get that not everyone is comfortable with their bodies, or all of their bodily processes, or gets nearly so pumped about microscopes, cervixes, or talking about herpes and birth control as much as I do. That’s ok. You don’t have to be a vagina expert, but if you are a vagina owner, you should have someone who thinks this stuff is really neat and IS a vagina expert so you can keep yours in tip top shape.
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Do you need a friendly vagina expert? That’s totally my job! Come see me, we can laugh at life and get serious about silly questions.
©2018 Chelsea Gould